The author sells himself short! Here, now, allow me to help you

Better Know a Beard: Kris Johnson

Kris was born in 1737, the son of Count Unger von Jonsson and his corpse bride, the late Contessa Mildred Haufweinstein. When he was 34 years old, Kris was bitten by the vampire Cordelia, which explains his ghostly pallor, the fact that his morbid visage has not changed in the ten years or more that I have known him, and his inability to grow a beard. Also: the sparkles.

He moved to the United States in the mid 19th century and proved his valor at the Battle of Gettysburg. Of course, being undead himself, he was never at much risk, so I guess it wasn't really all that valorous. During the height of hostilities with Germany during World War II, to preserve his relative anonymity and escape misplaced anti-German sentiment, he changed his name to simply Johnson.

He married what I presume to be a human woman. I've met her. She's nice.

On a Friday the 13th, she bore him a son, whom he frequently calls his young apprentice. He raises his padawan in the ways of the force, so well that upon recently learning that their Thanksgiving turkey was frozen, the boy (whose midichlorian count must be very high) inquired if it was in carbonite.

Kris Johnson is also the inspiration for this site, and the reason most of you have come to join us. So thanks, Kris!