November has come and gone, and How Not To Grow A Beard Month is officially a matter of history for 2009. While David Moore and I were locked in bitter combat for first place on the last day, Mur surged ahead and won out in the end - congratulations, Mur! (This is only appropriate, as of all of us, she is 1. the least capable of growing a beard, which best exemplifies How Not To Grow one, and 2. has the most appreciable breasts, which we were collecting money for to save from cancer.)

Bob's recap says it all, but I want to add my own copious thanks to all those who contributed. Your generosity on behalf of breast cancer research is outstanding, and truly blew us all away. Thank you.

It is now time to bequeath the Cmar Beard Awards for HoNoToGroABeMo 2009. These have nothing to do with donations, and everything to do with the glorious pictography of crackling virility hedges:

* Best Beard Photo: There were many entertaining and creative entries these past 30 days. In the end, the nod goes to Jim Van Verth for Day 3: Me Abrasive Personality, as he demonstrated for us how to scrub cookware... LIKE MEN ONCE DID.

* Man Most Exemplifying How Not To Grow A Beard: I'd like to say this one was close, but alas, it was not. As he himself prophesied, Jeff Greiner takes the prize.

* Best Time Lapse Photo Series: Only one man demonstrated a consistency of photographic pose and stout follicular excellence to take this category. Adam Johnson, you are that man. (Click through to view the slideshow.)

* Man Most Exemplifying How To Grow A Beard: For a month of trying to show how NOT to grow a beard, this one was surprisingly close. Given mane thickness, and a preserved neck-beard unblemished by the trimmer's blade, Bob Voegerl wins the award.

* Daily Commitment to the Task: Few had the stamina to start on Day 1 and produce a post for all 30 days, but Jeff, Jim, and Bob each gain this esteemed recognition. In addition to myself, that means that all four of us completed NaBloWriMo - National Blog Writing Month - as well.

* Best-Spun Beardy Yarns: All participants strove to tell excellent tales this month. That said, the undisputed master of facial hair storytelling is Kris Johnson, as exemplified by his copiously-researched and amazingly accurate Better Know a Beard series.

To all the participants, it was a pleasure joining you in this nutty endeavor! To everyone else, I'll merely note that only 332 days remain until HoNoToGroABeMo 2010, and this whole mad affair will start up again.

Finally, I shall leave you with the perfect footnote to HoNoToGroABeMo, discovered by Natalie Metzger. Thanks again to all!

Mur Mammary Mosaic!

So, wow.

On the final day, David Moore surges ahead with a huge donation which also takes us right up to the month's goal, much to everyone's (except possibly David's) surprise.

Cmaaarrr then stages a last-minute comeback with a number of extremely generous donations.

And then, mightymur, from out of nowhere, offers up a little cleavage and steals the victory at the very end with another huge donation!

I foolishly did not ask our donors whether or not they would like recognition for their gifts, so I'm not going to out anyone who hasn't been outed, but by all means, feel free to comment if you did and would. You have earned our great esteem.

I do not have the words to express my gratitude for the sponsors and the contributors and those who spread the word for us. You all did something amazing this month. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

In a few days, I will either set up a special checking account for the Fund, or transfer the portion of $3,663.23 that PayPal has to my personal account, pad it out with the portions of the PayPal fees we agreed to cover and the cash donations, and then write a check to the Breast Cancer Research Fund for that $3,663.23. So that there will not be any concerns of shady goings on, I'll give Kris Johnson access to the PayPal account and the canceled check so that he can verify there were no shenanigans.

For Mur, I'm going to throw together a web emblem indicating her supremacy of not growing beards, and we'll get Natalie working on her valuable prize. I don't know if she'll find a place to display the former, but I'm sure the latter will earn a place of merit. Let's all give Mur (and the girls) a big round of applause. I also offer special mentions of awesomeness to Cmaaarrr and David Moore for taking silver and bronze, respectively.

On the beard side, it was also a fantastic year. Most contributors returned, and we welcomed a few new ones. The beards grown were all evidence of superior manliness, and the posts provided many hours of entertainment. Thank you gentlemen (and lady!) so much for your creativity, insight, and willingness to make fools of yourselves for the greater good.

I also need to thank Kris Johnson for the inspired idea and for allowing me to make a web playground out of it.

The site is open year-round, so if you feel inspired to post an update or send in a donation, feel free! Further donations, like all the others, will go 100% (except for PayPal's cut—Grr) to fighting breast cancer, but may be deferred to be combined with next year's fund. I will see if I can get RSS cooking in the off-season so that you don't have to check the site manually to see if anyone has posted, commented, or donated.

Speaking of next year, late next October, I'll be moving this database to the archive and then setting up a new one for 2010. I hope you'll all consider coming back then and if you know of anyone to whom this sort of madness might appeal, you are certainly welcome to invite them. Perhaps we'll shoot for an even more ridiculous sponsorship goal.

Finally, if you've read this far, thank you again.

What... the.... f.....udge?

What can I say? I personally never expected the final day rush that we got today. I was ready to say "Well, we broke 2k. That's something pretty special." I was ready to call this one a "win" despite not reaching the admittedly high goal Bob had set. We had reached for the stars, and if we only got to the Moon, well... WE GOT TO THE MOON.

Then, what did I see when I loaded the B4B page just now, minutes before midnight on the final day? What glorious sight caused my mouth to hang open in awe, the shock registering not just on my face, but my very SOUL? What could possibly have this affect on me?

Other than Mur's cleavage?

As of this writing, which is about 10 minutes before time's up, we have collectively - um - collected (checks the page...) $3663.23

Wow. Your generosity humbles me. Thank you. Every single person who donated. From the guy who left a stack of quarters on a desk to whoever gave Mur all that money to flash us some skin. Thank you all. Especially whoever gave Mur all that money to flash us some skin.

Really and seriously, this has been a wonderful thing to partake in and witness.

The best plastic guitarist this side of 35.

What a day!

I finished my first NaNoWriMo after five failed attempts. I did so early enough in the day that I was able to go and record Volcanicast with my friends.

And, of course, some truly epic last-minute sponsorships have blown the lid right off the goal that just yesterday I thought we weren't going to make, but would still have been thrilled with the $1850ish collected. Now, we're well over $3,000. I'm absolutely flummoxed.

You've still got twenty minutes, though! Go, go! Sponsor that manly beard or those feminine charms. The winner will be crowned at 12:00am EST. Any donations after that will be excluded from the final tally, but will of course still go to kicking breast cancer in its stupid little face. Remember, now that we're over $2,000, 30 cents + 2.9% will be deducted for PayPal's cut, so if you're measuring close to put your (wo)man ahead, tack on that extra bit.

I'll have a proper wrap up together tomorrow. For now, it's time to go shred some plastic guitar. \m/

Not too shabby for a month's worth of work.

It is the waning hours of Day 30, and the end of this grand and charitable task is almost upon us. There has been a last minute donation-frenzy today, and I expect there may be more before December arrives, but I am both humbled and pleased to see that we exceeded our goal! Over $2500 has been contributed to fund these beardy endeavors for an excellent cause, which is 5x more than what was hoped for when this was conceived. No matter who "wins" this mandibular effort, the real winners are boobs, and that's something that makes us all happy.

As to tonight, there will be some final bits of growth of crackling virility hedge all around. As to tomorrow, there will be the Cmar Beard Awards.

As to right now, it's time to do this for one final time...

Sensation: a comfortable nothing, denoting well-grown and adjusted insulation

Palpation: the feathery softness of a well-intercalated mandibular mat, self-woven and crackling

Personal satisfaction rating 5 (out of 5 Norsemen)

You still have some hours left. Let's keep these ladies healthy.

So yeah. I didn't grow a beard. not even a tiny one. I didn't even have a straight friend go to bars with me, THAT IS HOW MUCH OF A BEARD I DIDN'T GROW.

I am grateful for everyone who donated, even those who preferred David and Cmar's rugged manliness over my own. Which, upon retrospect, is probably preferable to all, including my husband.

But hey. It's the final days. A few hours left. We all know I don't have a beard. So let's think about the reason we're doing this. That's right. Boobs. And I think I grow boobs better than everyone on this site.

I'd show you, but it's winter and I'm cold. And the camera on my Mac is just so grainy...

DO NOT DONATE FOR THE BEARD. DONATE FOR THE BOOBS.

My better side

And so here we are at Day 30. I should be distressed at my quick drop in position, but I'm more pleased that we met our overall goal, and I have to give admiration to Mr. Moore Ms. Lafferty for schooling us all. Nicely played, sir madam.

A final thanks to all who have donated. I hope that I have entertained over the course of 30 days -- and if not... well, I really don't need to know.

As a closing bit of frivolity, I offer you a small video exploration of the month. Enjoy.

Very Thankful!

So the month is done and we have all shown that we have a deep appreciation for boobs.

Thank you to all those peoples out there for their generous donations.

Honotogroabemo may be over but my beard will continue. I've never let the neck grow so it will be something to find out what it ends up looking like.

You call that a beard?

Here we are at the end of the month, and what a finish! We lost a lot of momentum after week two, but there's nothing like squeaking over the finish line at the eleventh hour to make for an interesting contest.

My beard is...sparse. What makes the hair in the goatee area grow in so much fuller than that on the cheeks? I don't know. Bad skin, maybe, or perhaps shy follicles. Whatever it is, I think it's best that I retire the beard for another eleven months.

Thank you to all of our fantastic participants and to everyone who donated so generously to the cause this month. Your love of boobs is nothing short of legendary.

I'm sure we'll have another post when all the dust clears, the funds have been collected (there are some cash donations that I need to get to Bob), and the donation to The Breast Cancer Foundation has been made. Additionally, we need to arrange for our winner (David Moore, as of this writing) to receive his prix fabuleux. So keep an eye on the site for that, won't you?

Thanks again.

The final beard?

That's right. This thing is over. Here is my final beard. Done. It's over...or is it?!?!

I think of the MALES in the running this year I can safely assume the title of worst beard and thus have truly shown now NOT to grow one.

Sure, Mur may have less hair on her face, but I think that perhaps that would be more respectable than the uneven, spotty, too-mature-middle-school-boy beard that I've developed in the last 30 days.

There are many manly examples of fantastic beards around this website and I have to say I'm impressed, and occasionally jealous.

So here's the deal. I need to make a choice. Go back to my usual moderately groomed goatee with consistent shadow of unshaven-ness on my cheeks or do I do some trimming and see if this "beard-thing" turns into anything worth while before the Christmas holiday.

I do leave the door open for a third option, which I alluded to yesterday. Every day after today that I get a donation I will remain unshaven. I may have to to some trimming for my sanity, for the lip beard is overwhelmingly obnoxious. But that's the deal. If I get at least a $1 donation every day for the next 40 years I will grow the most fabulous ZZ-Top style beard you've ever seen and it will be hilarious (if you don't mind laughing at me instead of with me, because it will almost certainly be a lot less impressive than all that).

I suspect that more likely the case will be that there is no donation as of tomorrow and I shave tomorrow night before bed. But you have until 9PM Eastern time tomorrow (Dec. 1st) to prove me wrong and keep the money flowing in which case I'll even try and keep posting and taking pics.

Bob will have to keep my informed so that I don't accidentally shave when donations come in, but hey, it's for boobs and I'm sure he'd be willing to make the sacrifice.

In any case, I suspect that this is all, and tomorrow I'll post my last post showing you that I have, in fact, shorn my face to it's normal status. Prove me wrong.

In my ears: All Christmas station on iTunes radio

Beard level: Immature at best

Sponsor of the day: All of you! Thanks for you're donations (and keep them coming if you want to see me get more silly with time).

Here it is at last: the final installment of my twelve-part series, Better Know a Beard. And finally we come to the man who turned the utter silliness of How Not to Grow a Beard Month into something worthwhile and—dare I say it?—noble.

Bob Voegerl is eleven feet tall,¹ and every inch a nerd. Or geek. Or possibly both. When, in my very first installment of Better Know a Beard, I speak of Wesley Clifford's "extremely talented friends", Bob tops the list. He provided the voices for several characters on Planet Retcon Radio² and co-hosts the Volcanicast podcast.³

Bob speaks entirely in haiku. Almost. Okay, that's a slight embellishment; perhaps even a downright fabrication, if not just a damn lie. However, it is absolutely true that there are many, many haiku⁴ to be found at Bob's blog, The Cynical Optimist. Seriously. Haiku. Nerd.

But Bob isn't just a casual nerd. Oh, no. He's also a professional nerd. I'm not sure exactly what it is Bob does for a living, but I can tell you that it is incredibly nerdy and, in the words of the now-defunct Barenaked Ladies, "it involves the Internet".

Last year, Bob decided that How Not to Grow a Beard Month needed a home on the Intertubes, so he purchased HoNoToGroABeMo.org and built the first version of this site, giving nine rather dubious beards a public forum in which to display their growth throughout the month of November. This year, after his mother lost a brief but intense battle with cancer, Bob added Beards4Boobs to the site, thus turning our foolish pursuit into something that we can be proud of when we pick up our razors again tomorrow morning.

Let's see: 50,000 words written for NaNoWriMo and over $2,500 raised for breast cancer research. I think it is safe to say that Bob has kicked November's ass.

Bob lives in Ohio with his wife, fish, cats, and LEGO TIE Interceptor.

¹Plus or minus 4'7".

²Check out the short story "The Hoff" for a fine example.

³I believe that Bob holds the distinction of Most Consecutive Episodes Hosted for Volcanicast.

⁴Yes, the plural of haiku is haiku. I looked it up.

In the penultimate installment of my ultimate series, Better Know a Beard, we meet our final participant from south of the Mason-Dixon Line, where the men are manly and the women will hurt me so I'll just shut up now.

Jim Van Verth wears many hats:¹ he is an author, a podcaster,² a software engineer, a husband, a father, and a beard-sporter.

Jim's podcast, The Vintage Gamer, is an exploration of the games of years-gone-by; an aural Wayback Machine of sorts, which whisks us back to a yesteryear when dice had just six sides and a person proclaiming they had wood for sheep was locked up on the spot.

Jim's book, Essential Mathematics for Games and Interactive Applications, is a rollicking tale of romance on the high seas, where every buckle is swashed and nary a bodice goes unripped. Or it may be a presentation of "the core mathematics necessary for sophisticated 3D graphics and interactive physical simulations".³

Jim lives in North Caroline with his wife, their daughter, and a little brown dog.⁴

¹This may well be a lie, as I've never seen Mr. Van Verth wear even one hat.

²A rarity in these parts.

³I get the two confused.

⁴That sound vaguely familiar, doesn't it?

Yep. At work. Move along.

Today I have the Monday-after-a-four-day-weekend blahs. Is it me, or do these Mondays have extra suck attached to them. We all know Mondays suck, but, seriously, these that follow holiday weekends and vacation seem to contain more power of blah and meh than I can seem to count.

Ah well, can't complain too much, I suppose... Not that anyone would listen, eh?

So, here's the final pic of the month showing that I, The Bearded Goose himself, is not able to not grow a beard. Not at all.

The hedge is saved at the last moment.

So here I am, getting ready for work, and I think "Yesterday was the end of the month, I'll shave some today." Realizing that I don't have the time to properly sculpt the hedge that is my face, I forgo shaving one more day. Only to find out later that *today* is November 30th!

Crisis averted.

Now though, we can work at averting another crisis. We are almost at our goal, you have today to donate just a little more. We need just about $450 to make it to our goal. Plus, if you donate that to me, I beat out Cmar!

Thanks to everyone who donated and who participated this year. And here, at last, is my final photo.

Overjoyed!

Ahh, the near to be end of another month in a year that has flown by.

So many words

Not quite the end, but so near it that it is utterly outshone by the brilliance of the finale. The penultimate day is practically useless. The patterns are established, the culmination yet to be revealed, it is marked not so much by its having been here, but by being in the way.

Yet, as compared to tomorrow, so little will have changed in our photographs. Certainly, I hope to have showered and perhaps attempted to brush my hair, engaged as I was in a lazy Sunday of NaNoWriMo omgpanicwritewrite, but that is superficial. There will be no significant change in length or coverage unless the razor's bite takes it in the wrong direction.

Beard-fuel like no other.

Any trip back to my hometown area of Cincinnati, Ohio, is always marked by feasting on local foods that I am unable to obtain in Maryland. Apart from their innate excellence and nostalgia, they also happen to be appropriate fertilizer for any crackling virility hedge. Some examples include:

*Skyline chili - the paramount example of the Cincinnati chili style, Skyline chili coneys are, arguably, the greatest food on the planet.

*goetta - not to be confused with it's vastly inferior and more widely known cousin, scrapple, well-prepared goetta easily rivals bacon as the perfect breakfast meat.

*Donatos pizza - while not a Cincinnati-specific food, Donatos originated in Ohio and has yet to significantly migrate out of the midwest. It's thin crust Hawaiian-style pizza, including ham, pineapple, cinnamon, and almonds, is unbeatable, and was a staple brain food of late-night med school studying. And on Day 29, it helps me cram for another final - tomorrow's HoNoToGroABeMo end-of-term test.

Sensation: sweet facial comfort

Palpation: deeper intercalation is a thing of unparalleled softness

Personal satisfaction rating: 4 (out of 5 Norsemen)

After spending the last hour or so reading about wavelet compression, I feel the urge to begin a long post about signal theory, integer lifting, quantization and zero trees. Fortunately for you, it's late and the topic hasn't really settled in my mind yet. Maybe tomorrow -- so watch out!

As way of comparison, my beard continues to expand. Not quite as impressive as some, perhaps, but I'm quite pleased. Almost smug.

Which I suppose will make it all the more tragic when I destroy it in two days. I'm thinking arc welder, though perhaps a blowtorch will be a manly enough method.

Modeling the almost final beard.

I must have messed up my counting recently in my titles for these posts. Today is the 29th according to the calendar on my laptop, but I'm in line to list this as day 30.

I'm not sure when/where this happened and I'm not inclined to find out. There is a veritable cornucopia of posts on this site from me. I'm going to claim the title right now as the only person who posted EVERY SINGLE DAY of this month. It's not technically true. I missed one day and posted first thing the next morning an extra post to make up for it. But I think it's closer than what anyone else may have done.

Again, I haven't checked up on any of these facts. So I may be completely wrong. So while I am going to lose this competition (guess it pays to be a doctor, who knew...oh wait, everyone knows that, don't they) I am going to claim the title of King of Beards.

I recently bypassed Mur in the donations area, which is only right and proper, but I still need to catch the next guy on the list. So I'm going to try the same trick I did yesterday (because clearly hard work and dedication needed for daily updates isn't enough to garner sponsors).

In my ears: The Memory Palace

Beard level: Lip Beard annoyance is back to maximum. Cheeks are still a disappointment...you think anyone would donate to force me to keep growing this thing into December. What if I say that each day that I get at least a $1 donation I continue to not shave, but the first day I don't get a donation I go back to my normal facial-hair level? Would the marathon after-race get any support? Would Bob continue to leave things up and running around here long enough to allow it? Who knows...

Sponsor of the day: Dave Chalker. Again, hasn't donated, but maybe the guilt of this post will get $10 out of him. Every bit helps and I know he's not going to just announce to the world that he supports breast cancer and doesn't want to fight against it, and that's what not sponsoring me would be. ;-)