I am thinking deep thoughts... wait, I smell wood burning.

To counter all the superstition flowing about today, I figured I'd talk a bit about the science of beard growing.

Most people reading this are probably familiar with the term "light year," the distance it takes for light in a vacuum to travel in one year. This distance is approximately 9.460730 x 10^15 meters, or 5.878630 x 10^12 miles. This is a very long way.

What does this have to do with beard growing? Well, it turns out that there is an equivalent term for very small distances called a "beard second." This is the distance that the average physicist's beard grows in one second (presumably not in a vacuum, unless said physicist has a space suit). The actual measurement of this distance is under some dispute: some say it is 5 nanometers; others say it is 100 Angstroms, or 10 nanometers. I've also seen 3-5 nm.

So, math time. Let's assume we're all average physicists. In addition, I'll assume that we all shaved at the crack of midnight, November 1st. So at midnight tonight, given 86,400 beard seconds/day * 13 days we will each reach 1,123,200 beard seconds. Assuming a beard second is about 5 nanometers, we've generated about 5,616,000 nanometers of beard, or 5.616 millimeters, a piece. And at about 10,000 hairs in the average beard, if you lined up all those hairs, it would be a giant hair 56.16 meters long.

So gentlemen, despite all appearances to the contrary, we've been busy. Proved by science! And math!

I'd run you over, but frankly, it's not worth the effort.

Day 13 also is Friday the 13th, which can be the only explanation as to why I have spent an inordinate amount of time in my car this evening.

Clearly, several black cats erected a ladder across all lanes of traffic on I-695, complete with an intricate dangling mirror mobile, and the unseemly hordes decided that this was too much of a risk to cross, so the better course of action would be to just wait for Jason Voorhees to come by and hack the whole thing to splintery shards, so that traffic could proceed. And Jason took his sweet, plodding time doing so.

This isn't road rage... this is road disgust. And it's aimed right at you, incomprehensibly slow driver-people.

Sensation: the current growth is an excellent windbreaker

Palpation: feathery face softness

Personal satisfaction rating: 3 (out of 5 Norsemen)

I love your movies!

Stop all the downloadin'!

So I usually take my picture after my shower, but before work. This puts it somewhere between 6 and 8pm, depending on how together I am.

Today, I was far from together, so I left the house without taking my daily picture. I blame Obama.

So, here's the closest I can get: My Xbox Live avatar. It looks like me. Kind of.

(Oh, and sorry for the image size. At work, my image editing possibilities are nil. I can't even OPEN a png file)

Listen up scholars!

This beard picture was taken during my planning period at school. I am not writing it this while at school, I'm at home, on the couch, and relaxing while my child goes insane and takes me with him.

I have at least one student who checks in with this site on a daily basis. So to that student in my 2nd period class, "Hello".

Well, I don't have much to say tonight. So this will not be one of my extensive and fantastic blog posts. I teach and this is what the beard of a teacher looks like in the educational setting, enjoy.

In my ear: V Podcast with Jay and Jack

Beard level: Intelligently long although the neck is reaching itchy again, I will soon decide to continue with the neck shaving or to suffer until the end of the month.

Sponsor of the Day: That guy!

The Bearded Goose on his sister's couch. Yep.

Yes, indeed, folks. I had to have an outpatient "procedure" done today, which means I get to lay around and do nothing but be online and play games and watch movies and stuff.

But, oh yes, I am glad for the pain meds right now. For thems that know me, you know the why. For thems that don't... well, sorry folks. That's telling.

Crazy eyes, but not as crazy as they can be.

So here I am, about to embark on having the grandparents over, with my wife Erin sick with cold and conjunctivitis. Conjunctivitis, this version commonly known as Pink Eye, is where your eye gets all pink and swells up. It's all very scientific, which is good because my wife is a science teacher.

What is not good, is that this is the viral form of pink eye and it will take a good long time (a week or so) to clear up. I know, because I am writing this post from the future, and it has been over a week now and the swelling around the eye just reduced visibly yesterday (2009-11-16).

So here I am, proving to the camera in my phone, that I do not have said Pink Eye. Plus, Erin hates it when I bug my eyes out.

Desdemona, scourge of the seas

I posed last year with Juliet, our cat with cancer and indicated I feared we didn't have much time left. She did, in fact, not make it another month. And that was before we learned about my mom.

So, first, a big thanks again to everyone who's helping us give cancer a big "Screw you". We're less than five bucks from $1,500. Your generosity and support of our wacky cause is humbling.

Second, let me introduce Desdemona. We were ready this summer to open our home to another cat, and Desdemona (then known as Cadabby) had been surgeried on to fix a gimpy leg by a friend of ours for the APL. We went and adopted her.

This is also excellent because she possesses a neckbeard in white. You can make out a little bit of it in the photo. We're like photographic negatives of each other!

This. Is. Freedom.

Eh... what? You want to hear about my beard? Well back in my day, women didn't HAVE beards. It wasn't proper, you see. We were told we had a glandular problem, or should be in a freak show. We also weren't allowed to vote. Or own land.

Nowadays, a woman has the right to speak up about politics, own her own land, and by God, grow the biggest, bushiest beard she wants.

It is a glorious time.

Now. Offa my lawn. I am nappin'.

This is actually me podcasting and picture taking at the exact same moment. You can hear me take the picture in Tome 119 (when it comes out).

Today I did two things at once.

I podcasted (Tome 119: Primal Power) AND promoted HoNoToGroABeMo at the same time. That's right, I snapped my photo as I podcasted. I am exactly THAT talented. No more. No less.

This podcast episode was epic in recording time, at 1 hour and 30 minutes. My guess is that I'll cut about as much in editing as I'll add in music, promos, etc. So it's going to be a biggie for me. Which is odd since it was a discussion of a book that I thought would be short.

But I haven't had those round-table style discussions in a long time on the show and I missed them. They're my favorite part of doing the show.

In any case this is me, PODCASTING!

In my ears: The Tome Show

Beard level: Eh, who even knows anymore.

Sponsor of the Day: Sushi. I had some tonight from Harris Teeter (grocery store). It was decent, although my palette for such things may not be too distinguishing.

Where all the clones at?

Down here in the swamps of Carolina, we're dealing with the remnants of Inge, or Ira, or Ignatia, or something. For the past two days it's been cold, rainy and miserable, so as you can see I'm doing the best to keep warm and dry.

Or I'm trying to look like Obiwan on Kamino, and use my Jedi powers to coerce you to donate... You will give us money... money for beards... money for breast cancer research... do the right thing...

Oh so soft and cuddle-y...

Syphilis is my very favorite infectious disease.

The reasons for this are many, including it's historical importance, the biology of Treponema pallidum and it's interactions with humans, and what it says about humanity's complete and total inability to keep it in our pants, as it were, among many other reasons.

Also, it's just so darn pink and snuggley! Especially after a long, hard Day 12, I find it such a comfort to give the pox a big hug and feel the warmth and love suffuse into my exhausted body.

I especially find joy in scritching it behind it's cute wittle head and snuggling it against my incoming jaw-rug and OH AZATHOTH ABOVE WHAT AM I DOING I AM FACE-SPOONING SYPHILIS IT IS BOTH NUMB AND BURNING-

*cough*

Ahem.

Sensation: an incredibly soft warmth where the syphilis hugs my neck

Palpation: plush firmness, both pliant and solid in my clutching hand

Personal satisfaction rating: 777 (out of 5 venereal Norsemen)

For my Brother

Not just any ol' shirt either. A shirt with buttons and a collar too. Kris, I hope that you're happier now.

My boss mentioned something about personal hygiene and shaving neck, blah, blah, blah... Somthing else about work. You all know how it is.

And if you don't?

Too bad.

My beard has a purpose, and he needs to understand that.

So...it's going well so far. Even my co-workers have stopped taunting...OOO...SQUIRREL!

Stroke it to the East... Stroke it to the West...

Your beard. Sicko.

I don't know why, but it feels like my beard is growing better than it did last year. I think it's the psychotropic drugs I'm taking to quell the itching.

I have - as I did last year - started using conditioner on my beard and it is making the itching pretty much a non-issue. Plus, my beard is feeling quite strokable.

Go ahead. Stroke it.

The beard. Sicko.

Look at that facial hair growth!

The itching is much less than last year, but I am definitely not as itch free as Dr. Cmar. Then again, he grows his beard as part of his profession.

Which brings up the question: Is there a link to beard growth and the profession you are in? Since I am not a sys admin, or work in UNIX on a regular basis, I haven't felt the need to grow a beard for my job. As a matter of fact, last year's HoNoToGroABeMo was my first beard growing experience.

My father had a beard for most of his life, and only now has he kept his face clean shaven. Since he was in academia in various forms (professor, Dean, VP, et. al.) I think his beard was part of his qualifications for getting the job in the first place, along with sport jackets with patches on the elbows.

So your thoughts, beard and profession, do they go together?

But, you lucky folks, I didn't. Here t'is.

For Boobs!

Yeah, you can pretty much expect me to look like this every Wednesday

The goofy expression, however...

That's because my wife decided to give me a visual demonstration of the objects of our fundraising to put me off my game, as it were.

Yay!

What a handsome devil

It's late, so this will be a quick one.

Status: The beard, it continues to grow. Isn't it lovely? I am inordinately pleased.

Thank yous: I put in a call at work for donations today and at appears that I got at least one bite. So thank you kind anonymous work person for putting me (barely) in third place, and thank you as well for giving me the opportunity to mix metaphors.

And that is it. Bon nuit, for now.

Twisted beard envy? Or merely action figure appreciation?

G.I. Joe has long been a symbol of both patriotism and entertainment. And on this Day 11, which also happens to be Veterans Day, it also provides bearded inspiration. Behold, from the stock card of the action figure before me:

MACHINE GUNNER

Code Name: SSGT. ROCK 'N ROLL

FILE NAME: McConnel, Craig S. SN RA989091452

PRIMARY MILITARY SPECIALTY: Infantry

SECONDARY MILITARY SPECIALTY: PT Instructor

BIRTHPLACE: Malibu, California GRADE: E-5

SSGT. ROCK 'N ROLL was a surfer in Malibu prior to enlistment. He was also a weight lifter and played bass guitar in local rock bands. Is familiar with all NATO and Warsaw pack light and heavy machine guns. Graduated: Advanced Infantry Training (Top of Class). Specialized education: Covert Ops School.

"SSSGT ROCK 'N ROLL is cunning but naive, forceful but shy. Possesses a strong sense of loyalty to his teammates and is sincerely concerned about their wellbeing.A man of honor and integrity who can be counted on to hold the line."

They left out "rolls with an awesome, Nordic beard that enhances aim and distracts enemies."

A most sincere "thank you" to all who have served.

Sensation: normal face-feeling has completely returned

Palpation: feathery smoothness that is starting to gain a slight bulk

Personal satisfaction rating: 3 (out of 5 Norsemen)

Into the Mouth of Madness...Almost.

Our cable Internet service was extremely dodgy for about two hours this evening. I'm talking about sub-300-baud-modem speeds, when I could get anything to work at all. It wasn't pretty, and a lesser man might have succumbed to madness and perhaps resorted to cannibalism. It's not a natural reaction, to be sure, and I wasn't even the slightest bit hungry, but that's always the first thing I think of when human beings are pushed to the point of insanity.

That my family survived this near-catastrophe is a testament to my strength of will, if not my willingness to exaggerate a temporary, minor inconvenience to such ridiculous proportions. While on hold with my Internet Service Provider, I installed Sins of a Solar Empire and played several games of Spider Solitaire, neither of which is as drastic an action as cannibalism, at least not in the circles I frequent.

Now that service has been restored to normal, I wonder if maybe I should have taken just a tiny bite of the little fellow that is often seen running around our house. I'll bet he tastes nothing like chicken.