Welcome to part six of my twelve-part series, Better Know a Beard, where we get to know a little more about the people who are having various degrees of success growing crackling virility hedges this month.

Adam Johnson hails from the frozen northern wilderness of Michigan's Upper Peninsula,¹ where he was probably raised by wolves, moose and the elusive (yet deadly) ice tortoise.

Unlike the majority of How Not to Grow a Beard Month contestants, Adam does not busy himself with blogging or podcasting, for he is altogether engaged in pursuits of an entirely manly nature. There is little time to worry about post tags and MP3 attachments when there are trees to be felled, when there is lumber to be jacked, when there are transmissions to be rebuilt, when there are muzzles to be loaded, when there is snow to be...mobiled.

As evidenced by the photo on the right,² Adam's manly pursuits generate more than enough masculine hormones to facilitate the growth a proper beard; a beard that just might have to kick your sorry butt if you don't straighten up your act.

¹Superior to the Lower Peninsula in every respect.

²Taken on the set of the upcoming film, ZZ Top: The Early Years, in which Adam is the stunt double for the actor who portrays the young Billy Gibbons.

As the end of the month approaches and I race to complete the twelve-part series that sheds some light on the faces behind the beards, it is nigh-inevitable that a certain amount of fact-checking will be neglected. Please do keep that in mind when reading this latest installment of Better Know a Beard.

Let's get this out of the way right off the bat: Michael Harrison is not a PC. Oh, there may be some passing resemblance between Michael's unbearded face and that of John Hodgman,¹ but we are reasonably certain that they are not one and the same face. Sure, they've both got a certain cherubic quality, and they both wear thick-rimmed glasses, but let me make one thing perfectly clear: John Hodgman is genetically incapable of growing a beard.²

Not only is Michael capable of beard growth, he is also a contributor to Wired magazine's GeekDad blog, which suggests that he is:

1. A geek.
2. A dad.

Does Michael Harrison reside in North Carolina? In fact, he may. Does he have a wife who, in turn, has at least one arm? There is evidence to suggest that this, also, is true. Does he engage in the ancient and arcane art of "web analytics"? I do not believe he would deny it. What more is there to know about Michael Harrison? Alas, recently-adopted Internet Stalking legislature has limited my ability to adequately answer this question.

¹He's the PC in the "I'm a Mac...and I'm a PC" ads. Try to keep up, okay?

²It's true. You read it on the Internet. Just now.

Wednesday???

And so apparantly is wednesday.

I too beilieve that there is a ceertain number of days missing from this month. I'm not sure which ones they are or that we'll ever get them back.

It's like a thousand inch stare

Why would I do anything LIKE MEN ONCE DID?

Those men were idiots!

Sure, they may have been relatively smart for their time; college professors probably, but they hadn't even invented Twitter. Or the internet

This matted blanket upon my neck grows without regard to reason or fashion sense. It's like an entity unto itself. I begin to question its motives. I begin to question whether my motives are its motives.

Lip Beard

Okay, I've been contemplating this topic for some time now but lacked the time to give it adequate letters to form the words to give the topic credence.

The upper lip beard. Sometimes it is referred to as a mustache, but I'm going to stick lip beard because it's easier to spell. When this endevor began this year I swore to not shave my cheeks, chin, or upper lip for a month. I was allowed to shave the neckbeard (as already discussed and rediscused, and commented on at length) and did so. I am also led to believe that I am allowed to trim the lip beard for the same reasons as the neckbeard (namely comfort and avoidance of comparison to a person more insane than one usually portrays themselves).

Well, this is where I am. My lip beard has been driving me crazy for 3 days now. Not around 3 days. Not, "I sort of noticed it 4 days ago and then it got worse". No no no. 4 days ago I was fine and there were no problems. 3 days ago I woke up and my lip beard was trying to devour my lip lip.

It turns out that the lip beard has an exceedingly slow digestive process, which while not particularly painful, is quite annoying and has led to much stroking in order to ease the discomfort. This, in term, runs the risk of clogging pours and causing blemishes, and really, why do I have to be a 30 year old bearded teacher with a complexion more fitting for someone my students age.

So here I am, left with a quandry. Do I trim the lip beard and face the ridicule and attacks of my fellow beard-ers? Do I man up and take it like a...uh...man (dang, got my turns of phrases crossed)? Do I seek an option three?

I think I'm going to go with leaving it and slowly increasing my insanity as the scratch scratch scratch gets worse and worse. The real test here will be can my sanity and lip lip survive the digestion process before the month ends.

In my ears: This Week in Tech (TWiT)...yeah, two days in a row, I was a week behind.

Beard level: Nothing special except at my upper lip.

Sponsor of the day: Chatty DM

Mah lips! The beard's eaten mah lips!

A few random thoughts for the day, while I attempt to unweave the strands of lip hair that have tangled themselves together...

If a beard is a measure of a man's education, then I have nearly earned two post-graduate degrees -- which is appropriate. But lest we get too smug, I'll just point out that Newton had no beard. Nor did Hooke. Nor many in the Enlightenment. Also, note that Benjamin Harrison had quite the chin-devil, but wasn't known as a man of genius. So perhaps -- just perhaps -- there's no correlation.

Actually, that's only random thought I have, which is another mark against the "beard == intelligence" theory, Cmar's example aside.

If you're writing a twelve-part series of posts intended to better acquaint readers with the people behind the beards (as I am), it helps to know a bit about those people so you don't have to, well, make stuff up. But never mind that, it's time for the next installment of Better Know a Beard.

Jeff Greiner is not of this Earth. Oh, sure, he lives here now, but he was originally—

Wait a minute. Is he living here now? I don't even know. He claims to be somewhere in "North Carolina", but that sounds like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. He could be updating via tight-beam sub-etha wave transmitter, for crying out loud. The guy could be anywhere within twelve parsecs of Earth, and that's nothing to sneeze at. Or on. Or near.¹

Jeff claims to be some sort of teacher. Is he teaching human children unspeakable geometries? Perhaps he is teaching adolescent alieninjas² how to blend in with the native people of Raleigh or Durham or Winston-Salem;³ pretty much anywhere but Lumberton—the last thing you want to do is convince anyone you're native to Lumberton.

Jeff is also ostensibly the host of The Tome Show, a podcast featuring "Dungeons and Dragons News, Reviews and Interviews". I have never heard anyone interview a dragon before, but I seem to remember that talking dragons sound an awful lot like Sean Connery, so that would be pretty cool.

The last thing you should know about Jeff is that he started this whole business with a soul patch dangling from his lower lip.⁴ So he's probably also a beat poet.

¹Sneeze into the crook of your elbow, if nothing else. I don't want your blasted swine flu.

²Yes, alien ninjas.

³Winston-Salem Blending Tip #1: Always have a cigarette dangling from your mouth.

⁴I'm pretty sure it was intentional, but maybe he just failed his "Shave Entire Beard Off" roll.

You don't need to see those degrees on the wall behind me - my mandibular MD is my set of credentials.

I noted yesterday that a beard is indicative of learning. Far from being a mere "Cmar assertion," this is something that has been theorized by many others throughout history. At breakfast one morning during Dragon*Con 2007, I was at a table that overheard a long conversation from another group who were postulating that "a beard is like a degree... on your FACE." Different lengths, sparseness or thickness of distribution, and stylistic arrangements can demonstrate one's level of education to an astonishing degree of accuracy, or so they contended. A thin goatee could correspond with a single Associates degree, while a full, braided mane means multiple post-docs.

How this could be applied to those of the female persuasion was not adequately explained.

Clearly, this month has been about showing how well educated we participants are. On this Day 25, I think I'm close to proving that I have my MD.

And if you are plan shopping on Black Friday, consider fertilizing our facial education with a donation as well - really, it's for boobs.

Sensation: good, sooo good

Palpation: pleasingly soft and feathery

Personal satisfaction rating: 3.5 (out of 5 postgraduate-educated Norsemen)

Consternation

This was a theme post. I tried to mimic Adam's ghastly stare off into the distance.

I don't think I got it very well.

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

I'm pretty sure at least a week in November has gone missing. Not all at once, mind you. Most likely just a day here and two days there, but it adds up to at least a week.

I had plans for this month. There were things to do and more things to do and still other things that I wanted to do.

It has not come to pass.

Grah, I say. Grah.

Snzzzzzz

I'm exhausted. We were awakened by a malfunctioning aquarium filter this morning after about only 3 hours of sleep. I MacGyvered it, climbed back in bed, and 20 minutes later it started rattling again. I MacGyvered it a different way, swapping parts with another filter, and again, gained 20 minutes.

At that point, I was good and seriously awake, so I got myself out of the house and bought a new filter. But now it's 9am and I'm way behind at NaNoWriMo, so I start writing. Two hours and 200 words later, I go back to bed.

This was probably the right call, but after waking again at 2pm and doing the Thanksgiving shopping, I was left with not much day and I'm still tired.

I can only hope the ordeal has helped my beard growth, because it certainly hasn't helped with my book.

Comprehension of intention-to-treat multivariate analyses often requires the intellectual boosts of chin-hair and malty hops.

As a part of my resident teaching duties, I run a periodic course on Evidence-Based Medicine. EBM is a somewhat misunderstood concept, even among physicians - it doesn't just mean that "we do studies and use the results to be doctors," but represents a specific approach to examining medical literature and applying the results of that examination to individual patient problems. Another important facet of EBM is that it has weaknesses, including the fact that it says nothing about the scientifically validity of what is being studied - a well-designed study on summoning ethereal gnomes to cure emphysema does not, in fact, prove the existence of ethereal gnomes or their interest in pulmonary disease.

Day 24 finds me engaging in the tradition of having one of our final EBM journal club sessions at a local pub, because sometimes the only way to puzzle out badly designed trial methodology is with a pint. And a beard. For the beard means wisdom, and learning. And money for boobs.

Sensation: comfortable, non-irritating facial heft

Palpation: soft facial mat that is consolidating especially in the submandibular and submental regions

Personal satisfaction rating: 3 (out of 5 Norsemen)

Tall!

Today I'm feeling particularly tall. Perhaps it's my new shoes. I bought them at Gene Simmons's yard sale.

Oh yes, and the beard is still growing. Sorry about that. It's like a runaway locomotive at this point -- no stopping it.

I'm apparently feeling a bit mad scientist-ish today.

Today is the last day with students until next week. I love my job and I love working with young people, but it's amazing how efficient I can be at my job when there are no kids around. Teaching is so much easier without them. I can get my organization done, grading, planning...it's good times.

I begin my first night of semi-freedom watching last week's Smallville (JSA coming after the winter break). It was decent.

Now I'm watching V. Also a last episode until the Spring season. What's up with that. This episode is going well so far. Not a big deal, blow up the world, cliffhanger episode that I might need to keep me revved for half a year, but it's an episode that makes me think that the show is reading a stride, a rhythm if you will that tells me that the show can only grow from here.

Tomorrow I work a half-day and then am truly on holiday. I plan to use it recording a podcast.

Oh, and I bought a giant boat-load of furniture for recently as well. At least some of it is supposed to arrive in the near future, so I'll talk more on that when the time comes.

In my ears: This Week in Tech (TWiT)

Beard level: Yeah, whatever.

Sponsor of the day: Greinonia.com

Yep, it is. Damn. If only I were rich...

Jeff in the AM.

Okay, so I've been getting later and later with my updates until last night it happened. I finally forgot to update. So first thing this morning, here it is.

Let's see if I can get back on schedule now.

In my ears: South Park

Beard level: Itchy Upper Lip

Sponsor: Comedy Central...not really, but wouldn't that be cool?

Hi there

I was going to cop out and post another beard quote. While searching, I found this: There is a Greek proverb that says, "A beard signifies lice, not brains." I find that fascinating.

That through thousands of years of history, we did then, as we do now, associate a beard with learnedness, even if it is unearned. I haven't really had a chance to process this yet. I'd assumed that it was a product of professorship in the modern university.

I'm gonna look all kinds of smart.

So here it is Day 23, and it's only through the rapid fund-raising activities of my wife, of all people, that I realize that I've been doing it wrong all along. Here I thought the point was to grow the best beard possible, and at the top of the page it clearly states: How Not To Grow a Beard. Once again, I have failed to Read The Directions.

And so, my dear sponsors, I realize that I have been letting you down. I have not been not growing a beard. I have in fact, grown a luxurious growth of fuzz across both cheeks, chin and lip that any man (and some women!) would be proud of. All I can do is apologize, and hide my mandibular region in shame. And from here on out, I do promise that I will do my best to fail in the most glorious manner possible.

Only a crackling virility hedge can help me ponder this glass-bound... THING.

I tend to get things in jars, Most often, these are brought to me, whether I want them to be or not, in my professional capacity. Some of the most recent things in jars I have received:

*ticks, still engorged and dripping with the blood of the jar-holder

*a slurry of tap water and feces, purported to contain bacteria-harboring macroscopic parasites, but in reality naught but aggregates of colon mucous, and the occasional bit of sweet corn

*scalp flakes that were thought to be burrowing worms, but were really scalp flakes

Despite this, I retain a fondness for things in jars that I don't need to medically deal with. Here, I am pondering a madness-inducing thing in a jar that I acquired from the immensely talented Propnomicon, and hoping that my Day 23 growth grants me a sufficiently Miskatonic University professor-like erudite air to puzzle out it's non-Euclidian implications.

Sensation: near-baseline bearded normalcy

Palpation: feathery intercalated softness throughout

Personal satisfaction rating: 3 (out of 5 Norsemen)

Learned

Try as I did I, and I did try, the forces that are(monday) could not be kept at bay.

And that is where the following question comes from:

If I have sunday and wednesday off, does that mean that I have two mondays?

On the brighter side, if the situation is looked upon from that light, it would also mean that I have two fridays too.

I am going back to my language studies. I'm trying to learn some finnish. But while I'm studying for that I am listening to some Fabrizio De Andre, an Italian musician.