Look at you! Never a sorrier bunch of scraggly-faced "men" have I ever seen! What's that on your face, son? Is that feeble growth your miserable excuse for a beard or is your pet squirrel shedding?

And you! My sweet Aunt Louise has a mole with a better beard than that pathetic scrap of chin fluff!

I've seen some sad facial hair in my day, boys, but you really take the prize. If this country was full of men like you back in the day, old man Gillette would have died in the poor house! That chin would go crying to its momma if a five-bladed powerhouse like the Fusion came anywhere near it! Hell, three blades is two too many for your worthless cheeks, and I only say that because I'm feeling generous! There's not enough growth on that jaw for even a single blade; you might as well shave with a baby spoon!

Get outta my sight! I don't want to look at your sorry mugs anymore. I'll give you thirty days to show me that your face isn't a barren wasteland, devoid of not only hair, but of any form of manliness. Go shave off those wimpy wisps and report back here in a month!