This photo was taken shortly before the rogue follicle reached my eye. It was a calmer time, then, and I felt...aloof.

I think I have an ingrown beard hair.

In my right eye.

It itches. Man, does it itch. And I know you're not supposed to rub your eye, but geez oh man it itches like crazy. I'm pretty sure one of my follicles went all kinds of bonkers in a desperate bid for attention...

C'mon, you guys! We can do this! We can be a beard again right now! I'm not waiting around here anymore! I'm going through the dermis and beyond! To the moon, boys! Follow me!

Then things went horribly wrong. Instead of thrusting outward, the crazy motherfollicle sped off in entirely the wrong direction, blazing a haphazard course along the surface of my skull, through my sinus maximilaris and into my tear duct, where it has since been masquerading as a rogue eyelash.

Well, I'm on to you, buddy. I'm soooo on to you.