Big Butter Jesus has my back.

The month is winding down quickly, so I need to find bearded reinforcement wherever I can. That's why I chose to spend Day 28 receiving divine follicular inspiration from one of the most distinctive of my near-hometown landmarks, the Hemi-Corpus Jesus Golem.

Officially christened (hah) the King of Kings, this misguided monster of spiritual "inspiration" sits, beseeching both Heaven and Interstate 75, in front of the Solid Rock Church in Monroe, OH.

Since it's construction in 2004, the statue has garnered several more descriptive nicknames, including Touchdown Jesus (for obvious reasons), Big Butter Jesus (for it's resemblance to a massive butter sculpture), Quicksand Jesus (again, for obvious reasons), among others. I've taken to calling it the Hemi-Corpus Jesus Golem, given it's similarity to people who have undergone a hemicorporectomy procedure, and my suspicion that it's true purpose is to become an animated instrument of vengeance that, someday soon, will drag itself across I-75 and pound the Hustler store there into dust with it's cross-sledge.

It has even been immortalized in song by regional comedian Heywood Banks.

Hemi-Corpus Jesus Golem, may my donations be many, and my crackling virility hedge grow in thick and full!

Sensation: the brisk wind bothers not my face

Palpation: the soft face-mat continues its self-weaving process

Personal satisfaction rating: 3.5 (out of 5 hemi-Norsemen)