November has come and gone, and How Not To Grow A Beard Month is officially a matter of history for 2009. While David Moore and I were locked in bitter combat for first place on the last day, Mur surged ahead and won out in the end - congratulations, Mur! (This is only appropriate, as of all of us, she is 1. the least capable of growing a beard, which best exemplifies How Not To Grow one, and 2. has the most appreciable breasts, which we were collecting money for to save from cancer.)
Bob's recap says it all, but I want to add my own copious thanks to all those who contributed. Your generosity on behalf of breast cancer research is outstanding, and truly blew us all away. Thank you.
It is now time to bequeath the Cmar Beard Awards for HoNoToGroABeMo 2009. These have nothing to do with donations, and everything to do with the glorious pictography of crackling virility hedges:
* Best Beard Photo: There were many entertaining and creative entries these past 30 days. In the end, the nod goes to Jim Van Verth for Day 3: Me Abrasive Personality, as he demonstrated for us how to scrub cookware... LIKE MEN ONCE DID.
* Man Most Exemplifying How Not To Grow A Beard: I'd like to say this one was close, but alas, it was not. As he himself prophesied, Jeff Greiner takes the prize.
* Best Time Lapse Photo Series: Only one man demonstrated a consistency of photographic pose and stout follicular excellence to take this category. Adam Johnson, you are that man. (Click through to view the slideshow.)
* Man Most Exemplifying How To Grow A Beard: For a month of trying to show how NOT to grow a beard, this one was surprisingly close. Given mane thickness, and a preserved neck-beard unblemished by the trimmer's blade, Bob Voegerl wins the award.
* Daily Commitment to the Task: Few had the stamina to start on Day 1 and produce a post for all 30 days, but Jeff, Jim, and Bob each gain this esteemed recognition. In addition to myself, that means that all four of us completed NaBloWriMo - National Blog Writing Month - as well.
* Best-Spun Beardy Yarns: All participants strove to tell excellent tales this month. That said, the undisputed master of facial hair storytelling is Kris Johnson, as exemplified by his copiously-researched and amazingly accurate Better Know a Beard series.
To all the participants, it was a pleasure joining you in this nutty endeavor! To everyone else, I'll merely note that only 332 days remain until HoNoToGroABeMo 2010, and this whole mad affair will start up again.
Finally, I shall leave you with the perfect footnote to HoNoToGroABeMo, discovered by Natalie Metzger. Thanks again to all!
Not too shabby for a month's worth of work.
It is the waning hours of Day 30, and the end of this grand and charitable task is almost upon us. There has been a last minute donation-frenzy today, and I expect there may be more before December arrives, but I am both humbled and pleased to see that we exceeded our goal! Over $2500 has been contributed to fund these beardy endeavors for an excellent cause, which is 5x more than what was hoped for when this was conceived. No matter who "wins" this mandibular effort, the real winners are boobs, and that's something that makes us all happy.
As to tonight, there will be some final bits of growth of crackling virility hedge all around. As to tomorrow, there will be the Cmar Beard Awards.
As to right now, it's time to do this for one final time...
Sensation: a comfortable nothing, denoting well-grown and adjusted insulation
Palpation: the feathery softness of a well-intercalated mandibular mat, self-woven and crackling
Personal satisfaction rating 5 (out of 5 Norsemen)
Beard-fuel like no other.
Any trip back to my hometown area of Cincinnati, Ohio, is always marked by feasting on local foods that I am unable to obtain in Maryland. Apart from their innate excellence and nostalgia, they also happen to be appropriate fertilizer for any crackling virility hedge. Some examples include:
*Skyline chili - the paramount example of the Cincinnati chili style, Skyline chili coneys are, arguably, the greatest food on the planet.
*goetta - not to be confused with it's vastly inferior and more widely known cousin, scrapple, well-prepared goetta easily rivals bacon as the perfect breakfast meat.
*Donatos pizza - while not a Cincinnati-specific food, Donatos originated in Ohio and has yet to significantly migrate out of the midwest. It's thin crust Hawaiian-style pizza, including ham, pineapple, cinnamon, and almonds, is unbeatable, and was a staple brain food of late-night med school studying. And on Day 29, it helps me cram for another final - tomorrow's HoNoToGroABeMo end-of-term test.
Sensation: sweet facial comfort
Palpation: deeper intercalation is a thing of unparalleled softness
Personal satisfaction rating: 4 (out of 5 Norsemen)
Big Butter Jesus has my back.
The month is winding down quickly, so I need to find bearded reinforcement wherever I can. That's why I chose to spend Day 28 receiving divine follicular inspiration from one of the most distinctive of my near-hometown landmarks, the Hemi-Corpus Jesus Golem.
Officially christened (hah) the King of Kings, this misguided monster of spiritual "inspiration" sits, beseeching both Heaven and Interstate 75, in front of the Solid Rock Church in Monroe, OH.
Since it's construction in 2004, the statue has garnered several more descriptive nicknames, including Touchdown Jesus (for obvious reasons), Big Butter Jesus (for it's resemblance to a massive butter sculpture), Quicksand Jesus (again, for obvious reasons), among others. I've taken to calling it the Hemi-Corpus Jesus Golem, given it's similarity to people who have undergone a hemicorporectomy procedure, and my suspicion that it's true purpose is to become an animated instrument of vengeance that, someday soon, will drag itself across I-75 and pound the Hustler store there into dust with it's cross-sledge.
It has even been immortalized in song by regional comedian Heywood Banks.
Hemi-Corpus Jesus Golem, may my donations be many, and my crackling virility hedge grow in thick and full!
Sensation: the brisk wind bothers not my face
Palpation: the soft face-mat continues its self-weaving process
Personal satisfaction rating: 3.5 (out of 5 hemi-Norsemen)
Please be generous to Cmartender. Beard is hard to grow.
...and, in part, the artifacts in their abode.
Day 27 found me catching up with with family within the venerable walls of a structure that contains many a childhood memory - my grandparents' house in Norwood, OH. One feature of this treasured domicile is the numerous wall-relics and ancient signage adorning the basement, where many hours were spent around the great convertible alter of pool and ping-pong. Here, I pose with one particular sign that taught me four early life lessons that I carry with me to this very day:
1. bartenders are a valuable, hardworking lot, and should be treated with great respect and tippage
2. a hand-painted wooden sign simply cannot be beat for engaging the senses and conveying messages of import
3. Pabst Blue-Ribbon Beer, under the right advertising circumstances, appears to be a refreshing and tasty beverage
4. there is very little truth in advertising
Sensation: the Ohio River's breeze may be frigid, but this face is warm
Palpation: although light on the cheeks, the feathery softness is pleasing
Personal satisfaction rating: 3.5 (out of 5 American lager-drinking Norsemen)
Immediately after the final bite.
Day 26 is Thanksgiving for us folk in the United States, and for my part, has been spent with good food and better company.
Many thanks to all who have donated to our little cause, and especially to those who have specifically contributed to my own charitable growth. You have given to one of the truly great causes - mammary health - and for this you will go down in legend.
And now, I give in to food coma...
Sensation: my face is comfy, and my stomach is full
Palpation: the soft submandibular mat continues to thicken
Personal satisfaction rating: 3.5 (out of 5 Norsemen)
You don't need to see those degrees on the wall behind me - my mandibular MD is my set of credentials.
I noted yesterday that a beard is indicative of learning. Far from being a mere "Cmar assertion," this is something that has been theorized by many others throughout history. At breakfast one morning during Dragon*Con 2007, I was at a table that overheard a long conversation from another group who were postulating that "a beard is like a degree... on your FACE." Different lengths, sparseness or thickness of distribution, and stylistic arrangements can demonstrate one's level of education to an astonishing degree of accuracy, or so they contended. A thin goatee could correspond with a single Associates degree, while a full, braided mane means multiple post-docs.
How this could be applied to those of the female persuasion was not adequately explained.
Clearly, this month has been about showing how well educated we participants are. On this Day 25, I think I'm close to proving that I have my MD.
And if you are plan shopping on Black Friday, consider fertilizing our facial education with a donation as well - really, it's for boobs.
Sensation: good, sooo good
Palpation: pleasingly soft and feathery
Personal satisfaction rating: 3.5 (out of 5 postgraduate-educated Norsemen)
Comprehension of intention-to-treat multivariate analyses often requires the intellectual boosts of chin-hair and malty hops.
As a part of my resident teaching duties, I run a periodic course on Evidence-Based Medicine. EBM is a somewhat misunderstood concept, even among physicians - it doesn't just mean that "we do studies and use the results to be doctors," but represents a specific approach to examining medical literature and applying the results of that examination to individual patient problems. Another important facet of EBM is that it has weaknesses, including the fact that it says nothing about the scientifically validity of what is being studied - a well-designed study on summoning ethereal gnomes to cure emphysema does not, in fact, prove the existence of ethereal gnomes or their interest in pulmonary disease.
Day 24 finds me engaging in the tradition of having one of our final EBM journal club sessions at a local pub, because sometimes the only way to puzzle out badly designed trial methodology is with a pint. And a beard. For the beard means wisdom, and learning. And money for boobs.
Sensation: comfortable, non-irritating facial heft
Palpation: soft facial mat that is consolidating especially in the submandibular and submental regions
Personal satisfaction rating: 3 (out of 5 Norsemen)
Only a crackling virility hedge can help me ponder this glass-bound... THING.
I tend to get things in jars, Most often, these are brought to me, whether I want them to be or not, in my professional capacity. Some of the most recent things in jars I have received:
*ticks, still engorged and dripping with the blood of the jar-holder
*a slurry of tap water and feces, purported to contain bacteria-harboring macroscopic parasites, but in reality naught but aggregates of colon mucous, and the occasional bit of sweet corn
*scalp flakes that were thought to be burrowing worms, but were really scalp flakes
Despite this, I retain a fondness for things in jars that I don't need to medically deal with. Here, I am pondering a madness-inducing thing in a jar that I acquired from the immensely talented Propnomicon, and hoping that my Day 23 growth grants me a sufficiently Miskatonic University professor-like erudite air to puzzle out it's non-Euclidian implications.
Sensation: near-baseline bearded normalcy
Palpation: feathery intercalated softness throughout
Personal satisfaction rating: 3 (out of 5 Norsemen)
My con-winding-down photo courtesy of J.R. Blackwell, proving the reason my iPhone pics suck isn't the equipment, but the operator.
Philcon this year was actually in Cherry Hill, NJ, which is where GPS's go to die, if the spastic poor directions that ours provided within the city limits were any indication. Despite this, and the con's less than accurate name, the weekend was a great time.
Here, I attempt some Day 22 repose after the final panel of the weekend, and J.R. Blackwell intercepts my feeble self-portrait attempts with a vastly superior one of her own.
Sensation: the left side of my face is numb
Palpation: soft, matted intercalation on the right, and a weird, insensate hole contralaterally
Personal satisfaction rating: 5 (out of 5 facially bifurcated Norsemen)