Now that the dust has settled from yet another epic chin-thicket competition this year, it is once again time to give out the Cmar Beard Awards for 2011!

In the end, we raised an amazing $5,267.46, which eclipsed our optimistic goal of $5,000, and also welcomed several new participants into the fold. As tends to happen every year, there was a large influx of donations on the final day, leading to an exciting finish. When midnight rolled around, it turned out that yours truly was sitting in the number one spot, and so founder Bob declared me the winner! However, it turns out that there was a delay in a final hefty contribution to last year's winner, Pete DiLillo, so in the early morning hours of December 1 he accrued the most funds of all of us, and pushed us over the top in making our goal! I imagine his expression the next day to be something like he showed us with his Day 28 pic:

In the end, the true winners of this follicular competition were all of us who participated. It was an entertaining month for an excellent cause, and seeing us hit our donation goal was an awesome thing. Bob has posted two recaps looking back on the experience, and as the HoNoToGroABeMo Crackling Virility Hedge Champion for 2011, I add my own humble thanks to all who donated.

That noted, it is time to bestow the Awards! As with last year's awards, these have nothing to do with any donations received, and everything to do with the glorious pictography of lush face-manes:

• Best Beard Photo: This year saw a new bar raised for photographic excellence and composition, but there was only one picture the entire month that forced me to laugh out loud when I saw it. Additionally, it demonstrates in a very obvious way the principle of How Not To Grow A Beard. As such, the clear winner of the best photo this year is Kris Johnson for his Day 30 entry:



• Man Most Exemplifying How Not To Grow A Beard: In prior years, this has been a rather easy category to judge, but that turns out not to be the case. Prior hands-down winner Jeff Greiner's jaw-thicket grew in rather thicker this year - perhaps practice does train a beard? - leaving the field a bit more open. After some deliberation, it was clear that newcomer Frederick Hurley showed us all how not growing a beard is done. Or not done, as the case might be, as shown in his final image:



• Best Time Lapse Photo Series: Creative photo composition is the order of the day in this competition, but this year only one person gave us uniformly consistent poses to show his mandibular sprouts from day to day. That man is newcomer Andrew Rothman! (Click through to view the slideshow.)
• Man Most Exemplifying How To Grow A Beard: As this competition broadens in terms of participants, we are adding some to the fold who are able to muster up incredibly dense facial carpets. This year, the mysterious Beard A. Nonymous blew us all away with his jungle-like final jaw result. Seriously, dude, that is vastly impressive:



• Best Use Of Non-Facially Generated Props: The ante was certainly upped in this category, but Pete DiLillo once again takes the prize for his colorful use all manner of headgear and weaponry. (click through for the slideshow)



• Daily Commitment To The Task: November is a busy month, and few find the time and the stamina to start on Day 1 and produce a post every day for all 30 days. Our founder, Bob, led the pack in this regard as he does each year, and finds himself co-accepting this award with Jeff Greiner, Jim Van Verth, and myself for 2011. Strong work, gentlemen!
• Best-Spun Beardy Yarns: Every participant strives to put down some good words with their hairy pictographs. This year saw a range of pithy comments, beard quotes, facial hair history, and inspirational tales, to name but a few. However, Jim Van Verth pulled out the clear and consistent win. He made every picture a clue to a certain board game or digital game, and then followed each up the next day with some fascinating history and insight into the game in question. Congratulations to Jim for spinning some beardy yarns with a gaming bent!
• Most Intriguing Contest In Follicular Bribery: Along with our mandibular shrubbery, anew phenomenon grew forth during this year's contest, namely that several participants devised their own personal contests to bribe potential donors their way. Of all of these, Jeff Greiner's was clearly the best. Not only did it require the most work, but it was a meta-contest that involved bribing all of us participants with Manly Points to bring our A-game and increase participation and donations. Excellent work, Jeff! Be sure to check out how the points played out.

Congratulations to all of the winners! To all the participants, it was a pleasure joining you once again in this endeavor, and to give recognition where recognition is due. To everyone else, I’ll merely note that only 314 days remain until HoNoToGroABeMo 2012, and this whole mad affair will start up again.

As the current, reigning, and defending HoNoToGroABeMo Crackling Virility Hedge Champion - even under contested circumstances from the #1 Contender to the Title, Pete - I think it only appropriate to provide some parting beardly thoughts from WWE professional wrestler and current (at the time of this posting) World Heavyweight Champion Bryan Danielson:

(This is crossposted with minor editing from my column at The Secret Lair. The original can be found here.)

"Exhibit A: take a look at any picture of any great cartographer. What do you see? Beards and moustaches. Ptolemy? Check. Mercator? Check. Blaeu? Check. Arno Peters? No beard, no 'tache. Check."

- from Strange Maps 542 - Untamed Wilds to Whiskers End: Travels in Beardland

Today was all about some respectable pruning of the crackling virility hedge. I hadn't planned on posting today, but then I reviewed the donation combat of the evening and morning, which played out like a tight old-school eBay auction bidding war. Jeff's prediction somehow came true, despite the fact that I didn't think I would muster enough support to pass him. Then, vastly generous people made that happen, and at midnight I found myself riding high at the head of the pack. Come sunrise, I was blown away to see that Pete had marshaled a final massive burst that made us surpass our goal.

Men, that was a great showing. Donators, that was brilliant generosity, and we all owe you copious thanks. And while Bob has named me the winner for being at the top at the end of yesterday, really, we all won, and that's the important thing.

In just a few days... the Cmar Beard Awards cometh.

Descriptor of the day: trimmed and shocked

"@Paul_Cornell: Beard update: yes, I have been poorly... #fb http://plixi.com/p/92079171

@warrenellis: @Paul_Cornell BEARD RANKING: SINISTER FACIAL COPSE"

- Twitter exchange on April 13, 2011, between Paul Cornell and HoNoToGroABeMo patron saint Warren Ellis

Ah, the final day of HoNoToGroABeMo 2011. I am greatly pleased for several things:

*my beard has come in, as patchy and unruly as it can, as a guide to How Not To Grow A Beard

*it has done so due to the rich, potent fertilizer of donations

*said donations have poured in on this final day, and I am hopeful they will continue to do so as we approach the midnight hour

A grand and humble thank you to all who have donated, especially those who have boosted my coffers in the last 48 hours (which, as I type this, sees me suddenly in second place). For all of our bravado and humor here, this is both a serious and important cause.

Tonight: the final donations, and here's hoping we hit the $5,000 mark! In the next couple of days: I will reveal The Cmar Beard Awards for 2011!

Descriptor of the day: crackling virility hedge

"Do not clip your hair at the temples, nor trim the edges of your beard."

- Leviticus 19:27, New American Bible

It's the final night before the final day of this #HoNoToGroABeMo 2011, and it's enough to make a person a bit wild and crazy.

Primitive, even.

Firelight. Hair unkempt. Focusing primal energy for a final growth spurt of the crackling virility hedge.

Oh, and money too. Many thanks to the donor(s) who have seeded many beards around this place over the last day or so, especially to whomever fertilized my facial efforts with green, cashy money - it's greatly appreciated!

Now we see what tomorrow brings...

Descriptor of the day: lush and fragrant

"5. In times of crisis, people always flock to a bearded person."

-from 10 Very Good Reasons Why You Should Grow A Giant Beard

Of course, the beast reason one should grow a giant beard is for boobs.

And, lo, it was time for the report of the second fortnight:

*personal sponsorship: $40 (Alright. Listen. There's only a few days left... FERTILIZE MY FACE!)

*HoNoToGroABeMo total sponsorship: $2635.01

*beard: nearing pre-shave crackling virility hedge density

The month is almost complete, but if prior experience tells me anything, these last few days will see a vast spurt of green! Many thanks to all those who have sponsored a beard - if you haven't yet, please do, as it's for the best cause of all!

Descriptor of the day: weaponized static-accumulator

"Manny: You think I should wash my beard?

Bernard: Yes, I think you should wash it. Then you should shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow."

"Bernard: You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it."

- Black Books, "The Big Lock-Out", episode 5 series 1

Home again, home again, and all that. Thanksgiving-related travel was lovely, but returning home after a few days away means checking the house for cat-damage.

Yes, that means the ceiling too.

Yes, they have done ceiling things in the past.

Why do I own cats, again? No idea. But at least I know why I attempt to grow this beard... for boobs. We're entering the last few days - let's push those donations, so we can push out jaw-foliage!

Descriptor of the day: nest, a bit too friendly

"Treebeard: We have just agreed...

[Merry and Pippin lean in]

Merry: Yes?

Treebeard: I have told your names to the Entmoot, and we have agreed you are not orcs.

Pippin: Well, that's good news."

- The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers, 2002

Tonight, I heard there was to be a Solstice Entmoot nearby. Sure, it was disguised as being the opening weekend of the Cincinnati Zoo's Festival of Lights, but that was a facade easily seen through. As such, I went and brought my face-mane to bear, hoping to make it pass more quickly.

No such luck.

That noted, it was exceedingly festive and done for boobs, so that part's a win. Hopefully, they'll be done with introductions by HoNoToGroABeMo 2012.

Descriptor of the day: epic wind-frizz

"Inspector Frank Butterman: Your predecessor assumed rural policing was easy. Ended up having a nervous breakdown, and Sergeant Popwell was an exceptional officer. Truly exceptional. But he had one thing you haven't got.

Nicholas Angel: What's that, sir?

Inspector Frank Butterman: [jovially] A GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD!"

"Nicholas Angel: I chased a suspect from the scene! Innocent people don't run!

Sergeant Tony Fisher: Maybe it was our ol' friend the Cactus Thief?

PC Doris Thatcher: Oh yeah, he was a prickly customer, weren't he? Ha ha!

Nicholas Angel: AM I GOING COMPLETELY MAD?!"

- Hot Fuzz, 2007

I have only one question for you, Myrtillocactus geometrizans forma cristata. Which is more prickly - you or I? I think it me, as I am growing for boobs, and it is a greater cause than your cactusing.

What? You disagree?! Fine, then. It's the evil eye for you. So, there.

Descriptor of the day: submental pruritic reassertion

* The Escaped Convict Beard

* The Scottish Pride Beard

* The Jedi Face Suit

* The Crusader Beard

* The "We Should Have Seen it Coming" Beard

* "That There's For Kraken Releasin'" Beard

* and, possibly, The Lincoln Beard?

- from the article "The Many Beards of Liam Neeson"

Tonight there was a Thanksgiving feast, but due to rolling into town this afternoon to visit relatives who were themselves in the midst of moving meant that there was no cooking... so we took a cue from A Christmas Story and went out for Chinese. While there was no dramatically-beheaded duck, there was turkey, and fried donuts, and chicken wrapped in bacon, and stuffed mushrooms, and coffee-infused tiramisu, and a vast spread of many other foodstuffs. We were quite thankful. Also, stuffed.

Afterwards, we went out to catch The Muppets. I will add my glowingly positive review to the others already posted here: it's a vastly fun and funny flick. It has a bit of a strange tone compared to prior Muppet movies, but does a great job of consistently being a shout-out to the past and to fans while pulling things into the present. It also somehow happens to be exceedingly goofy while surprisingly deep at times. For anyone with fond memories of the Muppets growing up and/or currently kids, it's a must-see.

Upon exiting the theatre, I found myself face-to-standee with the intense, bearded visage of Liam Neeson. There was no better way to end the night than under his NONDESCRIPT YET INEXPLICABLY DETERMINED gaze.

Descriptor of the day: warm like muppet-flesh

"Clown: Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun, it shines every where. I would be sorry, sir, but the fool should be as oft with your master as with my mistress: I think I saw your wisdom there.

Viola: Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee. Hold, there's expenses for thee.

Clown: Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!"

- from Act 3 Scene 1 of William Shakespeare's Twelfth Night

As previously noted, there is only one alive who knows the significance of the orange orb of travel, and owns it's counterpart.

Let it be said, at least, that said orb is full of joy and travel-endurance properties, and can now mark Washington, PA, off on the "places of the world" it has seen. In this case, 'tis a pit stop on the road towards Thanksgiving gatherings and feastery.

Descriptor of the day: unruly hedge-roots